A Catholic Monthly Magazine

Tag Archive for ‘jokes’

Can You Bear It?

“It’s my husband, doctor, he thinks he’s a hen”. “Good heavens, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” “I would have, but we needed the eggs”. After giving a speech at the businessmen’s club, the bishop said to the reporter covering the event, “When you write your story, I’d be grateful if you didn’t mention the […]

Can You Bear It?

The doctor had an urgent call from a man saying his small son had swallowed a fountain pen. “I’ll come right away”, said the doctor. “What are you doing in the meantime?” “Using a pencil”, was the reply. _____________________________________________ The bore was describing his experience at the Grand Canyon. “There I stood”, he declaimed, “drinking […]

Can You Bear It?

A burglar decided to steal from the safe in a corner dairy. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob”. He did so. Straight away a heavy sandbag fell on his head, the whole building was floodlit, […]

Can You Bear It?

An English professor wrote the words ‘A woman without her man is nothing’ on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: ‘A woman, without her man, is nothing.’ The women wrote: ‘A woman: without her, man is nothing.’ Punctuation is everything! After the christening of his little sister, Johnny […]

Can You Bear It?

One day, an employee received an unusually large pay cheque. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her cheque was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?” Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can […]

Can You Bear It?

A salesman from a mortgage refinance company telephoned Sandra. “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”   “No,” she replied.   “Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”   “I really don’t have any debts,” she said.   “How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.   “I don’t need […]

Can You Bear It?

John went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!”  “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of […]

Can You Bear It?

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?” The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the […]

Can You Bear It?

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in the Southern Highlands of NSW, near Moss Vale. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared a meal of bacon and eggs for him. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather, “Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied, “Those plates are as […]

Can You Bear It?

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.” The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s […]