A Catholic Monthly Magazine

Can You Bear It?

A talking horse walked into a bar and approached the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse said, “are you hiring?”

The manager looked the horse up and down and said, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The horse sniggers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O. 

Teacher: What are you talking about? 

Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

Millie: I is... 

Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, "I am." 

Millie: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." 

One Liners

  • I’m trying to organise a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
  • When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
  • Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
  • Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
  • Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
  • I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle  B, back.”
  • What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?  Suture self.
  • My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway!

Q: You’re riding a horse at full speed, there’s a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?

A: Get off the merry-go-round.

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