A Catholic Monthly Magazine

Tag Archive for ‘clean jokes’

Can You Bear it?

A driver got a speeding ticket and went to pay the fine. The police clerk issued a receipt for payment and the annoyed driver said, “What am I supposed to do with this?” “Keep it,” the clerk advised. “If you collect enough of them, you get a bicycle!” A guy bought his wife a beautiful […]

Can You Bear It?

A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was so much per word. “Oh, my” she said, “Just change that to ‘George died.'” The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum. “Well,” she said, “make that ‘George died, Ford for sale.'” My neighbour banged […]

Can You Bear It?

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?” “Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.” The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church on Sunday and found several letters waiting for him.  He opened one and […]

Can You Bear It?

A retired man volunteered to entertain the patients in the hospital. He took along his portable keyboard, told some jokes, and sang some funny songs. When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too”. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s […]

Can You Bear It?

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink. He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone. “Pssst…that colour looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to […]

Can You Bear It?

Once upon a time there were four people named Everybody, Anybody, Somebody and Nobody. When there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. When Nobody did it Everybody got angry, because it was Somebody’s job. Everybody thought that Somebody would […]

Can You Bear It?

Having been married for fifty years, the wife was asked what advice she would give to a newly married couple. She said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'” Everyone then looked at the husband, who said, “She’s probably right.” An American tourist in Paris asked a local what the […]

Can You Bear It?

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew and swallow two centimetres of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine […]

Can You Bear It?

A man was amazed to see a dog playing poker in a bar. “Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker”? he asked. “Yes. He’s a real dog”. “Is he any good”? “No. Whenever he has a good hand, he wags his tail”! A dog was so clever that his owner sent him to university. […]

Can You Bear It?

It has been scientifically proven that 97% of people are stupid. Fortunately, I belong to the other 5%! Three good mates from Our Lady of Kapiti church were asked, “When you’re in your coffin, and friends are mourning over you, what would you like them to say”? Bill said, “I would like them to say […]