Can You Bear It?

The doctor had an urgent call from a man saying his small son had swallowed a fountain pen. “I’ll come right away”, said the doctor. “What are you doing in the meantime?” “Using a pencil”, was the reply.

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The bore was describing his experience at the Grand Canyon. “There I stood”, he declaimed, “drinking in the scene, with the giant abyss yawning before me”. One of his listeners interrupted, “Was the abyss yawning before you got there?”

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1st soprano: “I insured my voice for $100,000”. 2nd soprano: “And what have you done with the money?”

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for church repairs. And he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service", the minister said. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about needing more money”. When the time came, the minister said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up". The substitute organist played 'Advance Australia Fair', everyone stood, and that’s how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Man to dentist: "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth". Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist". Man: "Yes, I know". Dentist: "So, why did you come in here? Man: "The light was on".

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A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they were crossing an intersection, another turtle came along and rammed into them. A policeman asked the snail, "What happened here?" The snail replied, "I don't know -- it all happened so fast!"