Can You Bear It?

John went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!” 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” 

“How much do you charge?” 

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll think about it,” said John. 

Six months later the doctor met John on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?” asked the psychiatrist.

“Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! My friend Joe cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!” 

“Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did Joe cure you?” 

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Nobody’s under there now!!”

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I thought I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

A hunting party, hopelessly lost in the mountains, blamed their guide for leading them astray.

“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they cried.

“I am,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”