Can You Bear It?

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in the Southern Highlands of NSW, near Moss Vale. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared a meal of bacon and eggs for him. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather, “Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.” That afternoon, while eating the hamburger his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So, he asked again, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don’t ask me about it anymore!” Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather’s dog started to growl and would not let him pass. “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out.” Without diverting his attention from the AFL game he was watching on the TV, his grandfather shouted, “Coldwater, get out of the way!”

One Sunday the sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, a woman who was visiting, walked up to a very sleepy-looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.” And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one, ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!”

“Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us.” “Why is that?” “They’re probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can’t.” “How could you possibly know that? We don’t even get the newspaper.” “Yeah, that’s probably got something to do with it, too!”

The Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a lock to get the Bibles out. He had forgotten the combination, so he got Fr Jones to help. Fr Jones turned the dial. After the first two numbers, he paused and looked silly for a moment. Then, he looked heavenward, and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final numbers, and the lock opened. The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, Fr Jones,” he said. “It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of paper taped to the ceiling.”