Can You Bear It?

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his vicar went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the vicar asked, ‘How come after all these years we don't see you at church anymore?’ The old man lowered his voice. ‘I'll tell you, vicar,’ he whispered, ‘When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!’

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: ‘You do not want to try these techniques at home!’ ‘Why not?’ asked a man from the audience. ‘After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife's routine at breakfast,’ the expert explained. ‘She made lots of trips to the fridge, stove, table and cupboards. Often she carried just one thing at a time, so I asked her, ‘Why don't you try carrying several things at once? It'd be much more efficient.’ ‘Well, did your suggestions save much time?’ the man in the audience asked. ‘Yes, said the efficiency expert. ‘It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.’

A man was driving down a country road, when he saw a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulled the car over to the side of the road and noticed that the farmer was just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man got out of the car, walked all the way out to the farmer and asked him, ‘Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?’ The farmer replied, ‘I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.’ ‘How?’ asked the man, puzzled. ‘Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.’

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and as they passed the Tower of London the driver said that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412. The Texan said, ‘In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!’ Then they passed the Houses of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618. ‘We put up a bigger building in Dallas and it only took a year!’ As they passed Westminster Abbey the driver was silent. ‘What's that over there?’ asked the Texan.‘I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday.’