Can You Bear It?

A man phoned the hospital in a state of excitement: ‘My wife is pregnant! Her contractions are only two minutes apart!!!’ The doctor asked, ‘Is this her first child?’ The man quickly responded, ‘No you fool -- this is her husband!’

‘Is there anything wrong?’ the bartender asked the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. ‘Two months ago my grandfather died and left me $100,000,’ said the man. ‘That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,’ said the bartender. ‘Yeah,’ said the sad young man, ‘but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me $95,000.’ ‘So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?’ ‘This month, so far, not a cent.’

A young woman, hired by a supermarket, reported for her first day of work. The manageress greeted her with a warm handshake and a smile, gave her a broom and said, ‘Your first job will be to sweep the floor.’ ‘But I’m a university graduate,’ the young woman replied indignantly. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,’ said the manageress. ‘Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.’

A large, two-engined train was making its way from Melbourne to Sydney. Just out of Albury, one of the engines broke down. ‘No problem, we can make it to Wagga Wagga and get a replacement engine there,’ the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Then the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill somewhere between Henty and Young Creek. The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn’t take this trip in a plane!’