A Catholic Monthly Magazine

Can You Bear It

Jack and Jill go to the zoo, and are at the bear enclosure. Jack is amazed by what he sees.

“That’s a pretty strange animal”, says Jack.
“Why is that?” asks Jill.
“Because it lays eggs,” replies Bill.
“How do know that?” says Jill. J
ack replies, “Because that sign says ‘Himalayan Bear’”

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and  jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that  I may know whether or not to recommend that you be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven?‘  The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired Continental Airlines pilot from Houston.‘ Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take  this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s in Pasadena for the last 43 years.’ Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton  robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ ‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets  a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can  this be?’ ‘Up here  we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.’

A monkey goes into a psychiatrist’s rooms and says ‘I need help.’ How do you know, asked the psychiatrist. The monkey replied that someone told him recently: You are what you eat! And what does that mean for you? asked the psychiatrist. The monkey replied: I must be nuts!

A vulture goes into the airline counter with two rabbits in his talons. However, the counter staff refused to let him on the plane. “Why is that?”, inquired the vulture. “I’m sorry sir” said the attendant, “but you are only allowed one carrion.”..

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