Can You Bear It?

In some foreign country, a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention-- so he’s let go .The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade, he claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem...”

A man died and went to The Judgment, where he was told, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you ,— we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly-arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago.”

Awful pun warning

A string walks into a bar. “Excuse me,” he asks

“Can I please have a drink?”

“Nope” replies the bartender, “We don’t serve strings here.”

Upset at the discrimination, the string asks a fellow at the bar to buy him a drink. Seeing this, the bartender picks him up and throws him out of the bar.

The string walks over to a curb, rubs himself against it and ties himself in a knot, then walks back into the bar. “Excuse me, can I please have a drink?” “Aren’t you the string that was just here?” asks the bartender.

“No” came the answer, “I’m a frayed knot.”