Can You Bear It?

The new Government in Egypt has asked all the taxi drivers in Cairo to sound their horns a lot to give the impression of normalcy and order. ‘Operation Toot and calm em’ will continue for two weeks.

A true story...
Fr John Cecil was posted to a remote  island in Vanuatu where the only foreign visitors were occasional touring yachts. One such visitor left him a six-pack of beer. The missionary buried them to keep them safe and cool. He was returning from a very strenuous trip overland and remembered he had one can left of his stash. When he arrived home he retrieved the can and put in on his kitchen bench, and slumped into his armchair. His housekeeper Mary put her head in the door and asked him if he wanted a hot drink and he replied later. After a while he called Mary to bring in the can from the kitchen, and she replied “It’s not quite boiling yet Father.”

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.

He turned to his wife: “You know, I’ll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives.” His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses, “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I’m sure glad I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...”
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”